Things They Don't Teach You
by always-kh
Summary: Growing up Kakashi learns things they don't teach at academy. And he wishes they did. But they won't because they still need their meat bags. And somehow it leads to this. Just because he plans to die out on the field someday doesn't mean he wants to take his fellow nin with him. So no ticking time bombs of dead kid for him please? But Kami never did like him. Just look at his life
1. His Past

Kakashi is primarily two things, he's defined by them by now. Hell he defines _himself_ by them by now, because there's not much else to him anymore and he knows it. Firstly, he's a genius, that's an acknowledged fact. And secondly (or maybe firstly, it's pretty interchangeable) he's a ninja, the copy nin, or so he's called, to be specific.

As such he knows tons of things, thinks and imagines tons of things, things they don't teach at the academy (the stats-death, suicide, desertion, disability; the toll- emotional, physical, spiritual). And with good reason. They need need fresh meat bags after all. And telling them the truth wouldn't help that. Oh no no. But sometimes he wishes they did. That he'd been warned. He wonders what it might have been like sometimes, or tries to imagine at least, what it would have been like to be a civilian and... his genius fails. Because he just can't imagine_ not_ being ninja, not having grown up right in the midst of the war he couldn't have avoided anyway. Because it wasn't really like he'd ever been given much, any, choice really.

And he thinks he can recount the things he knew and when he knew them too:

Because even by age five he was both of these things (fresh out of ninja academy). But he, and everyone else, knew that _of course_ Sakumo's son would be ninja long before that: he played with toy kunai as a babe, he learned to dodge and roll and fall properly as he started to walk- even before he was born his mother was given the 'proper nutrients' to make him a strong fit child, standard procedure for anyone who would be born to a ninja clan as it turned out (and he knows this because he sneaks into the civilian records room, which is hardly guarded and he scoffs, to find pictures and answers to give the mother he can't remember a face and substance, a real identity. Sadly knowing vague things about and observed of her isn't the same. He wants to know what she was _like,_ not just what she did, what they did to her. Did she love him like father said? Did it show? Did he have any of her features or was he really that much a clone of his father?) And there was the war. Always the war.

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By age six he knows what it's like to feel so happy you could burst. Just hearing his father, (a real brave honest-to-Kami hero, who was always busy and never had enough time because everyone wants to see to meet to use him because he's just that good) who had actually managed to find the time to come and see him, say how proud he was and pat his head (and it said a lot that he didn't mind because he was already a chuunin and thus much much to old for that kind of kid stuff) is the most incredible thing ever. He still likes this one a lot. On the hardest nights he tries to cling to it but there's so much there to distort it and he finds some of the details are blurry now after trying for so long to forget his father's face, to not see it in his own.

By six he also learns the feeling of the first kill (the fear and dread yes but then training kicks in and there's the rush too, the power that comes with it). And feels quite sick (monster, monster, monster inside me). He vows not to ever do it again if he can help it. (He doesn't want that to be him, he doesn't want to get a thrill from it and there's something deeply, deeply wrong with him. But still 'better him that you'.) And he's good enough his dad reassures him that maybe he won't have to. Which is good because he really doesn't want anymore nightmares or reminders of all that red because it was just so _messy_ and the smell too and they don't tell you that, just how much they bleed and scream until they're silent forever.

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By age seven he learns that sometimes loving someone isn't enough. That he himself isn't enough. Not enough to stop Sakumo from drinking, not enough to cheer his father up or to stop those damned rumors because what do they know? His father is a great man! And he clearly isn't enough to keep anyone with him. And so shortly before he turns eight he learns what it's like to have the world pulled completely out from under your feet. And it's the first time he really experiences death when he finds the body, closes the eyes, and tries to set things in order because the body is stiff and unmoving and there's a damned creepy smile on his father's face, from rigor mortis he knows, but he's never been there, never been around long enough to _see_ it before (what with his profession he was always leaving that to others) and mop up the blood and then cry and vomit only after. Because dad dad dad how could you do that? Why would you do that? We could just wait it out together. It'll go away it has to. Hating his father is simply easiest at that point because he was abandoned. If Sakumo loved him more (if Kakashi was better, if he was more worthy, smarter, something!) he would have stayed.

And he doesn't want to depend on anyone like that anymore. He makes enough money he can sell the house or rent it out or something so he doesn't have to live there. He doesn't believe in ghosts or anything (just silly superstition) but he doesn't want to live there and pass the study room anymore (scrubbing can't get rid of all that blood; it's dyed the floor and he hates his perfect smell and his vision and just everything he once took pride in).

But no one else wants to live there either. Taking so many away missions now only draws more talk, fortunately he hardly cares because at least he's away.

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By age eight he knows that some rumors just won't die (He's scrubbed and scrubbed the floor and all the blood won't go away until he pulls the carpet up but even then he can't change what happened. The house has history now and the only people who want it are the cult freaks and he doesn't want them in his house doing whatever weird things they do. And everyone still talks about it. They won't leave it alone and keep picking and picking at it) and that it's better to hide his face because then he doesn't keep getting those looks. He hates people. Hates everyone. His father who failed and left him (he ignored the ninja code too and maybe that's where it all started because everyone should be good at something and rules are rules for a reason right?), himself for being so _weak_, everyone for just whispering and all the rumors that they would never say to his face (for the most part) but that he still hears. He also knows he has to change because he won't be a disgrace like his father. He's going to stop this right now. Making a name for himself not as the White Fang's son but as Kakashi, just Kakashi. The mask might help that too. Make him distinct, noticable, for his own choices not his father's. (Those who break the rules of the ninja world are trash.)

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At twelve he makes jounin and he learns that the promotion feels kind of hollow now. But it's okay because he'll be the leader over his sorry excuse for a team soon and maybe then he can really finally prove... everything (maybe he isn't sure what exactly but he'll manage to do it either way because he's good). Shape them into real ninja. Instead of a useless crybaby and the medic who babies them all way too much and is just always there hovering. Didn't they learn the shinobi code? They're still so soft and he doesn't understand how they can be when they're at war. (They have yet to make their first kills even. Hardly even first blood.)

And he still doesn't know how he got stuck with them but he'll make do. Now it's his time to train them without Sensei's intereference. (Because the man is a great ninja, amazing even, which makes him wonder how he can be so soft on his teammates, how he could be paired with those two to begin with. Because he's better than Kakashi- because he's not too proud to say that because that's an important thing to know. Those stronger than you and better than you must be noted because then you flee on sight and don't fight them and live another day, those who don't well don't. So why didn't Minato-sensei get a wonder team? Why the losers?)

So if now that it's his time to lead training and missions they will learn to respect (obey) him as commander. Even if he makes Obito curse and cry and hate him more and call him a hardass and any other more colorful insults (he wonders what the clan elders must think, Obito always complains of how stuffy they are; Kakashi's pretty sure it's because they find him a dissapointment too) as they train, that's okay too.

Rule 25 "A shinobi must never show emotion". The alternative is weakness. Weakness gets you killed, makes you hesitate, makes you like his pathetic father. He will stomp it out by any means necessary and rid them of their sentimentality and coddling. Because they're all ninja, hired by the highest bidder to do what they're told and they need to realize that. It's all about the mission (rule number four). And winning the war by _any_ means necessary.

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At age thirteen everything is turned topy-turvy all over again. Because maybe that idiot Obito has something right, and maybe maybe his father just choose a different way (an honorable way because he cared about his team more than himself, even if they hated him for it because these were lives, his precious people for him to protect), and maybe he doesn't want to lose his team either, and maybe maybe maybe so many other things just swim through his head (those who abandon their teammates are worse than trash). So they turn back to help someone, save someone. Because Rin they have Rin and he realizes now that for all Obito's words and morals and inspiring words it's as simple as this: Obito loves Rin. He'd go on his own for that reason enough and it's crazy but Kakashi's not good enough to do the mission on his own so he _has_ to go too. (And it doesn't have anything to do with Obito's heartfelt words and respect for his father and that amazing blinding stupid love no no no Kakashi is too strong to fall for that now right?) He just has to make sure the idiot doesn't botch anything and then they can all complete the mission together and that thought does definitely not make him feel warm fuzzies inside.

Only it really really all does and he's still a bad liar even to himself and now it's too late to say 'thanks' and 'you're right' and so many other things that he needs to tell his _friend_, not just his teammate, like 'I'm glad you're on my team' and 'you're not useless' and 'I'm sorry' (and that sickening crunch of rock on bone will haunt him forever he knows it) and he learns regret. He finally learns to mourn. And the tears come and they sting and they're funny and weird and irritating too and everything's blurry too but he's not sure what's tears and what's this new eye of his that he kind of hates and clings too because he needs this reminder of how he failed as he promises himself that he's _never_ letting it happen again. He won't won't won't. He'll protect them: Rin and Sensei too. He will. He has to now because they're all he has left. And Obito he- he promised him and that _means something_ and he learned his lesson and he'll prove it. Taking on Obito's nindo, his father's nindo, isn't enough, it can't ever be enough but he likes the feel of it, the start of it, a good memory instead of them being dead. Because he knows that they'd do it again all over again if given the chance because they're just like that. And that gives him just a bit of hope that he'll do better this time, really, he promises to himself to Obito and to his father who he visits just to cry and say he's so sorry because he didn't get it until it was too late and for a genius he sure is stupid. And he tries to make up for lost time and lost words even if there's no response because it's the best he can do. And everything reminds him of them now. Even silly weird random things that he wishes he could share.

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The war is over and he's happy enough about that because who wouldn't be? It's hope and promise all in one and maybe everyone can finally be safe and happy. To make things even better when he hardly believed that to be possible Sensei makes Hokage and he's never been happier for someone else than now. It's an honor and there are rumors about why he was picked rather than the protegee Orochimaru but at this point Kakashi really doesn't care about the details anymore because even if their new leader wears his robes a little messily, not quite proper, the role fits. And it's weird knowing the Hokage. But Minato-sensei is still the same as ever somehow, good-naturedly complaining about the mountains of paperwork and that he didn't become the strongest in the village to waste away behind some desk for Kami's sake, and protecting the people as always. But Kakashi's happy because the Hokage being tucked away, nestled among piles of paperwork means loyal ANBU all around him and that he's safe, for a ninja at least. And that is very, very good.

Even better is that Rin's a med nin at the hospital now with a lowly staff position but they're both confident she'll advance. His eye is proof of that. He hates hospitals himself; he knows it's often where nin go to die and it's so sterile and strongly smelling and wrong; death has never been so clean before and it shouldn't be (it's like everyone's just a specimen to be observed, studied, dissected). All the chemicals and the memories of time confined there and missions gone wrong and he can't understand why or how Rin enjoys it. But she does and it's blessedly safe and away from enemy nin and it's enough to even give him cause to briefly visit her once just to see that she's settled in.

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Safety is a lie he was stupid to believe in his line of work and he and Rin are a mess and he failed again (and it will be another name on a stone for him to linger around and for Rin to yell at him about for staying there too long and not watching his health and she's a med nin so he needs to 'just listen to me for once, Kakashi' and it's been long enough now that the idea is almost comforting- it's weird but it's normal-weird now- and that's so wrong too. And he still misses them and wants Obito's smiles and laughs and not his eye, and Sensei's pats on the head and worries and talks and looking out for him and knowing that he cared and that he mattered in and to something besides Rin's silly little fantasies and not everything that's left, not just the books and notes and another empty house) and she's clinging to him and he doesn't know what to do.

But he feels just a little bit more empty and crumbling and he failed again and that hurts too. Of course it's stupid, it was stupid, to think he could ever protect the strongest man in the village (who was all too eager to give his life for it), but he did. And there's a baby too that no one wants and how could sensei _do_ that to his son? Kakashi would have volunteered for the role, maybe have survived maybe not, but he could have handled it. And without sensei he doesn't know what to do. He wants, really really wants, to take the kid in because his own god father has run off and he just wants to punch the man for being able to do that to sensei's son, he wants to yell at Minato and Kushina, the people, the parents, and not the ninja because how could they both leave their son like that? Leave him like this too. He wants to be told what to do and that it will be okay and he can handle it and someone will be with him if something goes wrong because even if he is a jounin he doesn't feel like it anymore. He's a good ninja, a great one even, but what kind of person is he? What does he know about what to do now? Because he just wants them back and the squalling bundle in his arms with the blondest hair and the bluest eyes and the stupidest name is too much for him. He knows how to kill in so many ways, he knows strategy, books, body language, but he doesn't know a damn thing about child-rearing and he can't afford to do it either. Sure he could maybe ask Rin for help, she'd probably be willing, but then she'd get all weird and family-y and romantic and girly and he doesn't want that at all. Fourteen, he's only fourteen and the boy will be safe enough in the village, fear if nothing else will ensure that, but Rin, he has to protect her now. Has to has to has to. It's a chant in his head now. So he can't take the baby.

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Crying girls are a menace. He's known that for years now (especially after sensei, sensei... well he was wrong about safe) but joining ANBU and then having to face Rin about it_ hurts_. He's never argued with someone he cared about before (even though he knows his care isn't the type she's looking for at all, isn't enough, they're fifteen and she's romantic and girly and he wants no part of her dreams and it would be easier if he did, and he hates that too a little, hates that she reminds him that there's something wrong with him). Because he doesn't feel like that. He can't imagine feeling like that with anyone. It just seems weird. That still doesn't change the fact that she's crying though and he's just standing there stiffly because he doesn't know what to do. He should hold her probably. Some small part of him figures that, he's seen movies and couples and all those things and that's what happened last time when they cried- but that's not right either, not this time. Because they're older and he's just her friend and he can't cry even if he wants to because he has to be strong and right now the village, his village, the one Sensei died to save, is weak so he has to protect it as best he can and being weak won't help this, and he hates this, hates this whole thing! But shinobi don't cry, aren't supposed to. And he knows better than that now but it's true it does help. Because if he thinks too much, hurts too much, he won't be able to fight if he has to. He settles for a light, awkward pat on her shoulder. Strictly, completely, undeniably 100% platonic. And she hiccups and sobs and clings to him still but he thinks she understands. Hopes she does at least. They're teammates. That's it. Because even if she's important to him (one of the only ones left to him afterall so he'll protect her with all he's got) he'd never tell her this because she has a hard time understanding. She's awful at compartmentalizing. And boundaries. Those too.

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He's broken and cursed he knows that too at seventeen when Rin, the last of them left, dies; he tries to put the pieces back together all the time and they heal sometimes, but they're always a little crooked, something not quite right. (And he just wishes wishes wishes that he could have loved her properly because she did deserve it and she was a good friend but she deserved better than him too and he just wishes it hadn't gone like this. It wasn't supposed to. She'd find some other nicer, more suitable guy who was just as crazy about her as as Obito had been and who would adore her and have tons of little brats and he'd be an uncle or something.) Because he can't replace them and he doesn't even try but he needs something to do to replace that_ time_ because as much as he wants to he can't train all the time (he tried it and after nearly getting himself killed and his team injured he knows better and even if he didn't the hospital staff and some of the other nin are keeping tabs on him for exhaustion) and so he finds himself at the memorial stone way way too much now just thinking about them and hours will pass by way too quickly without someone to come by and pull him away and remind him that he still has to eat.

Trying out different hobbies like a maniac is exhausting and expensive and nothing really interests him. He tries as best he can. He cooks because he needs to eat, he doesn't really taste anything; he tries plants but they die because he forgets about them; he tries books, going through Rin's things he came across some books he was sure she didn't want her family to come across, (Icha Icha?, Rin?, even he's surprised, though he's finding out he didn't know her well at all), and it's better than nothing. It keeps others away at least, makes him seem busy and keeps away the easily offended. So for now he'll settle with that.

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By nineteen he knows how to cope, how keeping everyone at arm's length- except Gai, of course, because no one can keep him away and he's harder to kill than a cockroach (because just one good quick step and those were gone) and even with how the human body was so frail he's survived Kakashi's curse somehow- helps. Because he does still lose people. But it's gotten to the point where it's become somewhat numbed now. Being in ANBU, becoming a captain, has helped, you have to harden, loose a little more of your soul to do that. And he wouldn't wish that upon anyone else.

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By twenty-one he knows deep down (in his soul if he has one left maybe) he prefers solo missions, always has. And he knows why too. Because that way he has no one else to protect. No one with him to lose. Because, most of the time, he's pretty okay with losing his own life. Maybe it's cowardice. Sometimes it feels like it. That dying on a mission would just be the easiest thing in the world (easy-peasy some demented little part of his brain suggests and laughs, giggles really, because he knows how easy it is to end it) and sometimes he doesn't care if he does.

But he promised his life to these people (and sometimes the reasons for that are beyond him because sometimes he sees enough to wonder) so he doesn't just _let_ himself die, though he could. Sometimes he just thinks how laughably easy it would be. Just one second. That's all it would take. He knows this with the certainty borne of experience just how fragile life is, how fragile _he_ is (that little fact used to scare him, now most of the time it doesn't even phase him). One quick cut here- down the vein, not across it, not if you actually mean to die, a poke here, a prod there, just wait another second, let the enemy hit one inch closer, anything, almost anything can do it. But he has the sharingan, and he still has his village, so he can't just die like that. And most of the time the habitual, instinctive, reptilian part of his brain is awake and it keeps him alive (because that's what it's supposed to do, that's what it's been trained damn well to do) even if he doesn't know why.

So he _thinks_ if he had to choose how he wants to die- because sometimes he really really wants to and he's not sure if it's the cowardice, the pain, or just the guilt talking- he thinks it would be nice if it could be while or after saving others. Finally have someone survive this curse. After all he's done he can't atone, can't hope to atone for it (it was for ideals once, now sometimes he isn't sure what it's for except that without it he'd have nothing, be nothing, and Obito's legacy, his father's legacy, both would die out with him) but it might be a nice gesture. And the thought of losing someone else is physically sickening sometimes and he doesn't think he could handle it again.

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He's also almost certain the Hokage suspects something (after all he sees the mission reports and which ANBU members take on which missions and Kakashi is right high up there, it is only logical to suspect the psych tests Kakashi bullshits his way through—after all _ninja_—with perfect scores are missing something). Because he's twenty-four by now and after Itachi's brilliant and completely unexpected example of what a nin pushed into this too early and for too long can do everyone's still wary of mentally unbalanced child prodigies. So he couldn't resist the perfect scores, foolish as they may be, because he wasn't about to snap and he resented the implications and fear (awe, shock, respect, even slight fear those he could deal with but not this cowering and analyzing and waiting that everyone seemed to be doing now). And maybe he was just showing off a bit too that there wasn't much they could do either way. Because he was just that good, broken though he may be.

But, even if he only suspects that, he knows the elderly scholar has been trying to force him to take on a team, probably out of some mistaken (laughable) sense that might somehow help. You'd have thought the man would have given that up, given _him_ up, as a last cause by now though. One of the things he _doesn't_ know is why the man still tries. He's failed them all. Completely. Right back to academy. He's good at that. Coming up with tests that they inevitably fail, but giving them a chance, usually multiple chances, that way he can't be faulted, and then he goes on his merry way. Or maybe not but he goes at least and that will have to be enough. Thus avoiding that burden of students because really that is the last thing he, or they, would need.

Because, while he knows better than telling the psych evaluators, or anyone really, about this curse of his- because he _plans_ to die out on the field someday- that doesn't mean he wants to take his fellow nin with him. He really really doesn't want to take on a team of children at that and have them all wind up dead within the next ten years- and that's if they're the lucky ones, shinobi turnover is high_ for a reason_. So no no no, no ticking time bombs of dead kid for him please.

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A/N: so uh originally this was a short drabble of Kakashi angst. then it became this. He's uh kinda a lot crazier than expected but i think it fits (this is a world of child killers) and this is a great way for me to write out my angst. I hope it makes sense. I know it's rather disjointed it's a little bit train of thought type of thing. Part story and exposition, part character study and interpretation. The real story and whatnot, though this story will still mostly just be a character driven piece, will begin next chapter.

Next chapter will introduce team seven.

Anyway this story will be and remain angsty. he's not suddenly going to become mr. sunshine. he really has seen and done too much to ever be normal. There may be hints of hurt/comfort later in the story though.

(also so far i have done my best to make this all cannon complaint.)

For those in the mood for something lighter 'Sometimes Civilian' (or something close to that title) by me has some lighter scenes. And for those in the mood for more drama and action but still a good amount of angst check out 'Business and Pleasure' both are Naruto-verse.

I plan on doing stories with the backgrounds of Team 7. As such Naruto's and Sasuke's childhoods suck. there will be angst by the bucket (particularly in Sasuke's because while his life did indeed suck he's a self-absorbed, preoccupied snot at times; I'd probably be the same in his case and i don't hate him anymore so i won't bash him or anything but the boy can whine and that will come through when i write him. probably. if i can stand it.) And less so but still vaguely there in Sakura's story. i feel there's a background of suck growing up in that world.


	2. The Team

But then he manages to find himself landed with yet another potential (but one that he plans to ditch immediately) genin team. And with members that he has some sense of personal... investment, perhaps, in. Not interest, not really- one can just look at how little attention he's paid them over the years to see that. But the fact that they have had his notice and attention at some point in their lives, that he has given them all some of his time; he wants to see what they're like now. Curiosity despite himself, if you will. And the Hokage (damn him!) notices this and tries to get him to form _ties_. It's completely obvious. Especially after he's forced to see the wretched state of Naruto's apartment. Graffiti, old food, cup ramen everywhere, but inside rather tidy for a kid on his own- hardly immaculate, but not awful. The kid took care of his things as best he could, scrub marks from trying to wash away old vulgarities scrawled outside the place evident, clean dishes neatly stacked, laundry in baskets rather than strewn across the floor. And dammit he can't do anything but notice how incongruent this all is. Because the brat is sensei's kid and there's that lingering gnawing sense of obligation that he should do something and help.

And as he meets them, it takes his breath away at first the resemblances (my old team) though he shakes it off quickly enough as he watches them interact after they wait for hours for him and as the team introductions go around. They're much like he expected, nothing amazing, but he can already see the rabid fangirl and the broody avenger and the sunshine brat who really shouldn't be so damn happy. It gives him a headache.

It still is entertaining to mess with them though. Gauging their reactions. That bit about academy, arriving late, his reading and timing.

But somehow this potential genin team becomes a real one (and much above anything he'd thought to expect) and he's saddled as a leader. Oh they failed the first task as he _knew_ they would (just not as spectacularly as most teams did) for they always do, _or did_ he supposes heavily now. Because then they _surprise_ him. The goody-two-shoes and the straight-laced by-the-book Uchiha brat broke the rules, ignored threats of failure. To help a teammate. And his heart does all sorts of funny things at that but the silliest is hope (because even if it's just a little bit they broke the rules and they worked somewhat as a team and that's better than he ever had till it was too late and maybe they can do this, maybe maybe maybe they can make it) and the most logical is clawing at his heart make you freeze up sort of _fear_ because now he can't get rid of them like he wants and because sometimes they seem so innocent it hurts (because attachment is a bad bad idea and they're just kids and he's just lost right now because he's already seeing them as people and that's not good and he's starting to panic just maybe a little bit because he knows what's going to happen_ and he doesn't want it to_) and he thinks he could hate them for it. For being children at an age his childhood was long gone (the brat's prank is evidence of that). For letting him see them laughing of all things when he can't remember the last time he could. For being so guilelessly angry and open and honest and raw. Even the little Uchicha. He reminds him so much of so many things, they all do. Like his old team and he really really hopes things will work better than that this time but he knows their histories and things don't look good.

But the thing is they already make him want to forget all that. Logic, pasts, chances, probabilities, all that, everything he knows (and clings to because the dead won't- can't- leave him but he doesn't want to add to their numbers either, the living are too breakable). He wants to see what they'll be like in the future. He just wants to protect them damn whatever may come. Because, ninja or not, they're just kids.

...

Sometimes Kakashi muses that had he or his cute little students been born elsewhere he could be killing them. And the thought, the image, sickens him and he can't afford that feeling, can't afford to humanize his opponents even if they're shockingly, achingly, young, (even if they have Naruto's smile, or Sakura's eyes, or Sasuke's hair and he really really dreads that day and all it takes is a henge or a mind-control jutsu and that is probably the closest thing to terror he's felt in a while), because it doesn't mean they can't kill him just as dead. He had his first kill at six after all and he wasn't the only one. War did that— he learned to kill before he learned to read properly. It could still do that. He likes to think, pretend, imagine, and maybe even occasionally hope, that he fights so it won't anymore. So that it won't be kids, these kids, doing that. At least they went to school, had that chance. It is a very very small something to cling to, but it is good. It is one of Life's Few Good Things in his book. They will have each other and their other age mates.

However, it's a probably not-so-hidden wish of his that they just drop the field entirely. He told them he hated them when he met them and he did- because Naruto is a little too much of Ubito and his sensei for him to ever be comfortable, and Sasuke is too much like him, Sakura too much like Rin and they're all somewhat different too, he does know that now, but similar enough in ways that are achingly familiar (like dead parents and self-loathing, and proving oneself, and even the crushes and the hair) and it's overwhelming the sense of nostalgia that hits (like a punch to the gut that leaves you doubled over and open and vulnerable and gasping and reeling for breath because you didn't see it coming, couldn't properly prepare so it doesn't hurt you). Sometimes he has to remind himself. They're not the same. They shouldn't be the same. He's their sensei because the Hokage doesn't want them to be, doesn't need another repeat. And that's an awful lot of pressure on a failure. Part of him still wants to fail them, not in that way not in the way that matters (and how he never comes through right then and how they're all dead dead dead and leaving him just that bit more crazy he's pretty sure), but back to academy fail. The kind of fail that you can do and still live.

Because, honestly he's _not_ sure why he's alive anymore. Not when so many other people, so many better people, aren't. He could list them back to you one by one from over the years friends, comrades, and sometimes, if he knew their names, targets. The faces swim before him, his ghosts he figures. They still like to haunt his dreams whenever they please. It's like it's on automatic loop in his brain sometimes and it won't fucking turn off watching people die.

And he's not sure if he should be more worried when it hurts so bad he can feel it in his chest and he doesn't know if he wants to go on anymore or when he can rewind and watch (Obito being crushed, Rin dying as the man she's trying to save heals just enough return to consciousness and, running entirely on ingrained instinct and fear, stabs her) in the detached analytical way he's been trained to do (it's a jutsu, one of the men must still be alive, the rock is the same stone as the cave, about 75 pounds and honestly the boy shouldn't be able to talk, that must have collapsed a lung by the raspy pained way he sounds; the man picks up a scalpel she sat down and she really is stupid why did she turn around, leave a weapon around, not make sure the man doesn't come back to... but he has the makeshift weapon and he's holding it clumsy clumsy so clumsy but he got her in the carotid and no matter how clumsy or how good a medic she's gone when that happens and her eyes are wide so wide now because she knows what's going on and she's in shock). And, and, Kakashi _knows _he's not right in the head anymore. Doesn't see how anyone can be in his line of work. And he wants to help them avoid that. But he can't do it forever.

Sometimes he morbidly wonders how long it will take for Naruto's smile to falter, for Sakura's gaze to lose its childish shine, for Sasuke's vengeance to catch up with him and leave him empty or dead. The thing is he doesn't want to know these things. Doesn't want to see them. Because you can't undo or even unsee or unknow. Not with a genius level IQ and the sharingan. So they would stay with him forever. Ways to kill a man with ordinary household items, ways to fake a suicide, how to copy the handwriting, how to frame a man, how to kill a man in under 1.5 seconds. The looks, words, gestures, memories, his mind swam with them so much he wondered how he didn't drown in them sometimes.

And he doesn't want to see his kids, his team, as broken as he was though he _knew_, he knew that give it enough time and he would. He didn't really want to live to see that because that would mean that in some way he'd failed. Because it was stupid and foolish and he couldn't keep it up forever but he wanted to protect them, awful though his track record may be. He wanted them to stay kids even if that had never been the plan from the beginning. Even if they wanted to grow up, burn out, sputter out too quickly. He wants to save them from that, from themselves if he can. The boys... he hates to admit it but he knows that may already be a lost cause because he knows all too well the desire to prove and distinguish oneself, to wrest approval from others to the point where they can't refuse to acknowledge you, can't disrespect you. The boys have a single-mindedness that can't easily be shaken off. He'll try. He'll try everything to discourage them, even giving Minato's brat some of the attention he craves and honestly deserves so that maybe his obsessive desire to be Hokage will die along with the neglect. But he doubts it.

But he might be able to discourage Sakura. Especially since her drive seems to be entirely Sasuke now. And if there's a little pain at that thought, a little bit of foolish injured pride in one's job and maybe even fear because she doesn't take this seriously enough _at all_, he hides it well and continues the thought. How to save Sakura at least. Protect her. Discourage her. That one might be doable; she is a civilian with a civilian's build and chakra levels, disadvantaged from the start, she can't help that, and then she's paired with the two most monstrously gifted students of her year (even if one is an idiot). As an added bonus if he fails her, her parents expect it, would be grateful even, he's sure they they've been counting on the fact. They are civilians. Sort of. They do fall into that shadowy gray area with clan connections and things but they have no clan backing them. No proper shinobi training and they lack the same mentality. He doubts they want their daughter to be a child killer. Chances are they're already getting nervous that she's stuck with it this long, that she wants to go into the field of all things. Frankly she's unsuited and that might help him.

Because he'd really really like having at least one former team member survive, even if it's only by dropping out there's no shame in that. He just wants them to survive.

So half-assed training it will be. Maybe it will work. Or they'll at least request a different jounin-sensei.

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A/N:

Okay so firstly I updated and greatly expanded the first chapter as of 8/7/12. if you last read it before that date reread please. it gives a lot more insight.

so uh originally this was a short drabble of Kakashi angst inspired by the thought that he's smart enough to realize most of those he kills are just like him. then i had more horrifying ideas and viola i had this.

Anyway this story will be and remain angsty. he's not suddenly going to become mr. sunshine. he really has seen and done too much to ever be normal. There may be hints of hurt/comfort later in the story though.

(also so far i have done my best to make this all cannon complaint.)

For those in the mood for something lighter 'Sometimes Civilian' by me has some lighter scenes. And for those in the mood for more drama and action but still a good amount of angst check out 'Business and Pleasure' both are Naruto-verse. And it explains how kakashi's met sakura.


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